Milkshake Of Destiny
by MrsDuckyFuzzles
Summary: Bella's a wierdo, minus the bierdo. Who would have thought a random strangers podgy fingers would lead her to the Milkshake of Destiny and a blond god eating said stranger? All she wanted was a milkshake... Attempted mild Crackfic. JasperxBella.
1. Kind Sir?

**Hello there XD I haven't given up on my other stories, I promise! It's just that inspiration hit and my computer has a Trojan virus! I'm using my mums computer for this and she's moaning at me as we type. This is an attempted Crackfic. Please, let me know if it elicits any chuckles. Oh and one more thing, TEAM JASPER!**

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Kind Sir?

Bella P.O.V

"GOT THE COOL! GOT THE COOL SHOE SHINE! GOT THE COOL! GOT THE COOL SHAAAAAGH!" My singing morphed into a scream as something disturbed me. I turned my head to see the culprit, and sure enough there was a chubby hand invading my personal space. What I did next was beyond my control. I went Kung Fu on his ass. I'm talking back flips, karate chops and Chinese burns; the whole ten yards.

...Nah, I haven't got the skills for that, but what I _have_ got is a ice cold banana milkshake in my hand. Without giving it another seconds thought I dumped my beloved milkshake on the intruding hand with a satisfying splosh. I may or may not have shouted 'Hazar'. The man squealed and shook his hand out, splatters littering his business suit.

"Holy Crap! Lady, what the hell is wrong with you?" He looked at me incredulously.

With a scowl I drew a circle around my entire body. "NO TOUCHY!" His eyes popped wide in fear as he cradled his hand to his chest.

"I was just going to ask for the time! Jeez!" I scrunched up my face and shrugged. What else was I gonna do? A wierd guy put his hand on my shoulder. That shits not cool. What is cool however, is my left arm. Like a 'cooling peepee patch' kinda cool.

"Ah balls." My previously sacrificed milkshake was decorating my favorite yellow coat. "This is your doing!" I scowled again, taking off my coat and flapping it about, trying to get some of the milkshake I'd been planning to drink and not wear off of it.

"You know what? Never mind about the time. I'll go ask someone else." He turned to walk away, shaking his hand again.

"Hey! What about my milkshake?" I shouted after him as he briskly walked off even faster, trying to get away.

"Get lost, crazy lady!" He hollered around the corner until he was out of my sight.

"Ah screw you, you shitting potato head!" I hope he heard me. "Dr Micheals said its just my personality anyways. Stupid groping people." I mumbled under my breath while I shuffled off in the other direction, defeated. I looked down at my Brum watch and considered my options. I could either walk the fifteen steps to my right and drop off my coat for dry cleaning and deal with the rest of my day milkshakeless, or I could run like the winds and speedy gonzales love child, with a bat-out-of-hell-like quality, to go and grab another milkshake before Mr Marsden carts off with the cart, letting my yellow coat crust and spoil for eternity. Decisions, decisions...

Two minutes later I busted through the mall doors, throwing my coat in the trash can outside, not bothering to look through the pockets for anything I may need. My money was in my cowboy boots anyways, and that's all I needed to complete my milkshake mission. I was mildly aware of the emptiness of the street and the strong feeling to go in another direction to get my milkshake. I shook off the feeling and saw the street empty before me. "Is this the apocalypse or..." I shook my head, figuring that a bomb warning had previously been issued while I was listening to my Ipod. I wasn't going anywhere though. Not even an atomic bomb can get between me and my milkshake.

Shaking off the chills that ran up my spine the deeper I got into the maze-like street, I had another decision facing me. Commonly I'd choose the dangerous and death site ally-way which looked pretty damned shifty, but in reality housed a pretty nice hobo on the weekends called Stan. Other than the obvious odor and lack of hygiene, Stan knew how to house a soggy box party. He was a real stand-up guy. The thing is... this feeling. It makes me want to run in the other direction_. God this is so stupid! Just go get the friggen milkshake Bella! _

I took a deep breath as I came barrelling around the corner, prepared to wave at Stan and tell him I'd come back later, but he wasn't there. What _was_ there, was a guy getting his neck ripped out by another guy.

"Eye eye eye!" I called at the image before me.

The attacker lifted his face from the mans neck, his face smeared with blood and his eyes a bright orange.

"Did you just bite him? Dude! That's some 'dawn of the dead' shit!" I took a few deep breaths, the fear still thick in me, but this time for a reason. As I calmed myself I fought the overwhelming urge to pass out, which quickly switched to run away, and then found myself extremely uncomfortable. With a scrunched brow he continued to stare at me with his piercing orange eyes.

"Do you have rabies?" I took a step back in horror. There was no way in hell I was about to get bitten by a rabid guy.

He just stared. It looked like his eyes had been tangoed. I normally would have made a comment, but his gaze held so much power my usually havoc-running vocal chords ceased. That is until he straightened himself out, finally breaking eye contact to blink. He opened and closed his mouth several times, momentarily hypnotising me.

"Ma'am." He nodded his head slightly.

What does one do when a rabid guy starts nomming on a man in-front of you, only to act like a gentleman? After a second I looked down to the twitching man on the floor, groaning and gargling. I looked up again and saw the rabid guy was actually extremely composed. The way he held himself showed security in his surroundings. Perhaps he's trying to act normal, despite what he just did? "Kind Sir?" I said unsure as I did my best version of a curtsy. "Why dust thou eat the man?"

"Why..?" He started, and I finally caught onto the Texan twang.

"Oh! Texan. My bad." I blushed, smiling like an embarrassed fool, my heart hammering.

"I... don't know whats happenin'." His brow creased again. His voice was smooth and angelic; reassuring if not for the dying man at his feet.

"You bit that guy." I stated the obvious, since he was ignoring it. He was still, not breathing and unmoving as he spoke his next words with a new depth.

"Yes Ma'am, I did." He looked like he was trying to stare me down, and suddenly irrational fear hit me so hard that I lost control of my bowels.

I felt the warmth seep down my jeans. "Oh no." I whispered as Rabid Guy's eyes popped open in shock. I immediately burst into tears in embarassment. "I'm sorry!" I squealed as I waled out and turned to walk away shamefully. "I'm just gunna go now."

He looked immediately horrified, opening his hands, his strong brovado gone as he explained. "My apologies Ma'am, that was entirely my own fault. You've nothing to be sorry for. Please, let me help you. My house isn't far. Please, I'm so sorry for scaring you. Let me help."

"I'm not in the mood to negotiate-" _wheeze _"-so okay." He ushered me over to him with a reassuring look on his face, and not one of judgement. He looked concerned for her wellbeing as I let him lead me to his home and.. whoa. He smells _good_. Wow. That's a really nice fucking smell on a guy. As we walked past the dying guy on the floor, he face came into view and I recognised him.

"Oh. Hello again Gropey Man."

Rabid Guy looked shocked again, but quickly composed himself. "You knew him?" He spoke gently but with some weariness.

"That's my milkshake on his suit. You can't really see it on account of all the blood, but its him." He avoided my obvious attempt to get him to explain his actions by going off on a tangent.

"Why's he covered in your milkshake?" I sighed.

"Why's he covered in his own blood?" I shook my head and reached down to find the guys wallet, mumbling under my breath. "What a kerfuffle."

"What're you doin'?" I looked up at him as I perched over the now still body of his victim. His eyes were incredibly wide and he looked miles from confused.

"Compensation." I explained as I took a ten out of his wallet and put the rest back into his pocket, just the way it was. "He owes me a milkshake and I'll be damned if I go without." I chuckled under my breath when the reminder of milkshakes struck the fear of god into me.

"Ahhh! Whats the time?" I screamed, jumping up and clutching onto Rabid Guys sleeves. I tried to shake him because he was completely stoic, but his body was like concrete or something. Plus he was freezing. He just stared into my eyes and I rolled my own, pulling away.

"Bah! I seebs with this!" I ran away from him in the direction of the cart. It took me a few minutes and by the time I got there I was shivering from my own urine coating my thighs. When I jumped in-front of Harry removing his cart, he looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

"Jesus Christ Bella!" He put one hand to his chest, the other leaning onto the carts handle. "You look like a wild banshee... and what is that?" He pointed to my crotch.

"It's a poon covered in milkshake." He raised his eyebrow and laughed at the expression on my face, but fell for it.

"Okay then. So what can I do for you? Finally gunna take me up on that offer I made you?" He winked. Don't get me wrong, Harry Marsden is a top notch guy, but he's well past his fifties. He might actually be my grandpa. That means no sugar daddy sex, though he makes it clear knowledge that his monkey has been spanked many a time over me. The whole 'sucking on a straw' thing really does it for him. The guys shameless, which is why I like him so much, Plus he sells the best milkshakes in Forks.

"M-m-milkshake." I told him, shivering. His face fell and I knew he was ready to explain to me that its past serving hours.

"Please! Harry, I'm b-begging here!" I got on my knees and hugged his legs, looking up at him. I could tell from the flustered look on his face that he liked that. The bulge blocking the view of his eyes showed that he _really_ liked it. "Please." I whispered under my breath with my puppy dog eyes, ready for a crying jag. I watched his heart melt and.. _dear god_! Is that pre-cum?

I stood up again and tried not to cringe. I made a potential grand-papa hard. Who woulda thought he had it in him? He tried to hide readjusting himself, but it was more obvious than my piss stain. I would have called him out, but I figured I owed him for going along with me and calling it a milkshake stain, plus I want a milkshake so damned bad that I'd probably grind against him for it. "Bella, I've got nothing left! All I've got is this Milkshake of Destiny!" I stood up and grinned. Seriously, if he really wanted to stick his finger in the Bella pie, he needs to try and push me. I'm nowhere near my limits yet.

"Whatever! I'll take that!" I jumped up and down squealing as he gave in and opened up the cooler on his cart.

"This is a one off Bella. No coming to me after hours again. It gives an old man bad ideas." He huffed, obviously finding his situation in the nether regions increasingly uncomfortable. I guess said monkey will be spanked quite religiously tonight.

"I p-p-promise! Thanky!" I gave him the ten and skipped in the direction of my home, sucking on my Milkshake of Destiny which tasted especially nutty today and added to my shivering, when a movement in my peripheral made me freeze and drop it. Everything went in slow motion then. Well, it must have, and then my mind must have sped it up, because there is no way that Rabid Guy caught it mere millimeters from my hands that had barely just let it go.

"Woah. Skills." I whispered, looking up at his eyes, his face incredibly close to mine and watching me. "Thanks."

"No problem Ma'am." His eyes were so hypnotising. I felt myself flush and get warm, the effects of the cold peepee patch and icy milkshake no longer making me shiver.

"Why are you following me?" I quirked an eyebrow at him, immediately suspicious.

"I ah... I bought you some jeans. I feel bad for what I did." He gently pushed a bag forward and I was hesitant to take it.

"Hush money huh?" I smiled, eyebrow still quirked. His return smile was small as he just stared at me. "I don't like gifts."

"Then I just ran home and my sister said you can borrow them." He smiled for real this time, and it was crooked and alluring and pantie wetting. I might have been worried if not for the already pretty damned obvious wet patch. I'm surprised I haven't run home yet sobbing with embarrassment.

I nodded and started walking towards my home, Rabid Guy walking right next to me. There was a distinct date-like quality to this moment. Like the Milkshake I'd begged for was the meal and the urinating and murder was the entertainment for the evening. "You're not gunna walk me to my door are you?"

He looked torn and I stopped walking. My hand went up to his face to try and smooth out the crease in his brow with my finger. A spark shot through me, making me jump, but I ignored it. "Whats up?" I asked, peeking up at him trying to catch his eye.

"Nothing Ma'am. I'd very much like to accompany to your door. I promise your safety, though I've shown no reason for you to believe me as a trustworthy person." He ran his hand through his gorgeous honey locks, looking exceptionally sexually frustrated. I wonder how long its been for him...

"Well I unno... being raped by you wouldn't be such a trajedy."

His eyes were visibly turning black as he drew in a shuddering breath. I just let it hang in the air. I can tell his spunk would probably taste like milkshakes from just looking at him. He's very delicious. His features are breathtaking, but those physical things don't really do anything for me normally. In-fact nobody really does anything for me. All of my sexual partners have pretty much all been faceless duds who got on my good side. I know, I'm shameless, but every girl needs a bit of bonking now and again! Mr Whippy cant mix up a storm inside me _all _the time. A girl needs variety.

"Ah... so I see you've got a new milkshake." Changing the subject... _hmmm..._

"Yah! It's the Milkshake of Destiny. It's the only thing Mr Marsden had left. It took a blow job, but I got it." He took in another shuddering breath and I winked, letting him know I was joking. It was fun to play with him.

"Yeah, he was certainly enjoying the idea of that. It appears Mr Marsden has a little crush on you. He wants to snaggle your puss." He seemed a little angry, but his smile at the last part added a light tone to the conversation. That was until he looked mortified with himself. "Sorry Ma'am."

"I'm not sorry and I'm not Ma'am." I giggled. That shit was sort of funny. "I'm Bella. Can I have your name? I promise not to report you."

"Really? I mean, you'll tell no one?" I looked at him for a second and saw the disbelief and desperation in his eyes.

"Who've I got to tell. Everyone thinks I'm crazy anyway. Even if I did, nobody would take me seriously." He seemed to be considering it, but the silence stretched on as we walked. When we finally got to my front door I brushed the back of his hand for attention.

"Hey, no killing me in my sleep okay?" I joked lightly and his expression made me think I'd just caught him considering just that. I became quite worried then. I knew it was a real possibility, but I don't seem to care about myself enough to run away screaming, hoping I'm faster than him. The chances of that were far too small anyways. "Please." I looked up at him, my eyes watering from the fear of this being my last day on earth.

He watched my eyes and followed a tear as it escaped, lifting his hand and brushing it away with his thumb. "I don't want to have to do that." He explained, looking pained and torn. The intensity of the moment crackled between us like electricity. Seriously, just like a date. A date with a Rabid Guy who might just murder me. For a split second I caught his gaze lingering on my lips and I felt his thumb brush against my bottom one as he lowered his hand and frowned again.

I took a deep breath despite my fear and unlocked my door, pressing it open and walking in. I turned back, just waiting for him to push his way in and kill me. I stared at him but he made no move. "Okay... then... bye..." I went to shut the door but his hand flew to keep it open enough for his body to get through. I knew it...

He took a deep breath and shocked me with his next words. "My name's Jasper Whitlock. It's been a pleasure to meet you Bella." He looked like he wanted to say something else, but I blinked and he was gone. I shook my head after a few minutes and finally closed the door, expecting him to be ripping my throat out like his earlier victim any second now. When I thought I heard scratching on the door instead of running for a baseball bat or something, I ran for the bathroom. It took seconds to puke my destiny into the toilet. After cleaning myself up, top to bottom, I ran downstairs and grabbed a kitchen knife, a gun and the earlier mentioned baseball bat. I don't even know why I'd gotten them. I had a revolver in my top draw anyways, but I think I needed the security of being surrounded by more deadly weapons. Perhaps it was the Police Chiefs daughter in me. Once I'd stashed them in various grabbing distances in my room I numbly got changed into my Brum jammas, and sank into the sheets of my bed, quivering in fear with the possibility of everything ending tonight. All I wanted was a milkshake...

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Seebs= CBA, can't be arsed.

Brum= Childs programme with a freaky animated automobile.

Any questions? DEAL! :L Nah, just talk to me baby. I hope this went well...

V


	2. Moment Of Tranquility

**Hello there my dears! Next up I will be updating 'To Become A Mother' within the next few days. There's something to look forward to! Just a shout out to the two facebook groups that just rock the shop. FFA! _Fanficaholics Anon -where obsession never sleeps!_ and its sister group that I toootally own, _Jazzhores in the house, put your hands up!_**

**Well have fun with this! I really appreciate those of you who reviewed and told me your opinions. Aparently, I'm funnier than I think and the first chapter didn't fail epically. Let me know how this one goes! _  
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**Moment Of Tranquility**

**Jasper P.O.V**

"What the hell?" I growled as I catapulted the_ 'Gropey Man' _into the dumpster, throwing my lighter in it in my frustration. "Shit! Fucking perfectamundo! Fucking major unhappy meal. You weren't even worth it." I spoke to the flames, huffing and walking away. My lighter was gone anyways. I'd normally not be so vocal about it, but it seems that tonight the idea of normalcy just flew out of the window the second that Doe-eyed girl ran around the corner. I didn't mean to kill him, really I didn't, but he smelled so good that it was too much to ignore. I figured I deserved a treat for being clean for the past few months, I mean I even got to the point that my eyes were golden again. The guy was irritated and his mind was obviously elsewhere. He was tripping over himself. He made it too easy for me.

Everything was going right as I sent a wave to my victim; a feeling to encourage him to go down the alleyway. The second he was shrouded in the shadows I licked my lips and growled, alerting him to my presence. I skipped the small talk and barely let him get out a strangled cry as I sank my teeth into him. I was only a few long pulls in when Doe-Eyes came pounding round the corner like she was on a damned mission.

The whole idea of her being before me in the first place was mind boggling, and I still can't explain it. I'd never met anyone so sure in their own emotions. I'd never encountered such a problem before that even my most brutal of emotional attacks seemed to bounce right off of her. I knew she wasn't immune because I felt her emotions, but I knew the second I sensed hers without mine clouding them that she was very different from the average human. Her initial reaction was... colourful to say the least. She was fucking snarky and smart, shooting back at me exactly what I gave her. I sort of respected her for that, but at the time I found it unnecessary and rather shocked and stumped.

I dont know what the fuck it was about her, but the fucking gentleman that got me in this whole vampire shit in the first place decided to make a visit. _Ma'am? _Fucking _Ma'am? _Why did I feel this overwhelming need to be polite to her? I apologised for her lack of bowel control too! To top it all off, I meant it! _Why _did I care? _Why _did I feel _bad? _I even invited her back to my house -for what I haven't got a fucking clue. I certainly donut own anything that would fit her. I hadn't felt guilt for anything I'd done to anyone for a near on half a century. She'd just walked in on my meal! If it wasn't my first taste of human blood in nearly a year then that shit would have made me lose my appetite in a damned millisecond. She didn't seem the least bit disturbed either. _What's with that girl?_

She was too much of an anomaly. I'd been sending out some pretty damned strong feelings for avoidance of the area, which left the street pretty bare. If I was going to kill my first human in twelve years I was going to do it thoroughly. The same rules applied, but in a different time. All I had to do was send out a bad vibe and the streets would be barren in an hour, but obviously my food would be unaware of the emotions everyone around him would be feeling. The more distracted they are the better.

Once I'd gotten over the blender of emotions when she discovered me, I finally noticed her. The Doe-Eyed girl was breathtaking. Her hair was shimmering and down to her waist, falling in waves, stray strands gently twisting in the breeze and carrying an excruciatingly pleasant aroma. Her eyes were a mesmerising chocolate brown with small flecks of gold that I don't even think she would notice. I could tell from the first few seconds that she would be an object of speculation for other normal people, but I doubted that she'd noticed; and if she did, she'd just forget to notice for longer than a second. _So sure in herself._

Now, don't get me wrong, I saw all those pretty things first, but _my god _was she a fucking sex-bomb. Even when her jeans had turned a shade darker and the smell of ammonia hit my nostrils, I still wanted to fuck her against the wall and drain her along with the ride. It's been a while since Jasper the Adventurer had seen any particularly enticing caves to explore. I could imagine it now. I would have helped her take her jeans off while I hypnotised her with my eyes. I'd find her wearing sexy undies, but I'd rip them off in a shot. Her generously sized jigglers would call to me. _Jasper... oh Jasper._

I groaned as I felt a pleasurable sensation shoot through my groin, and looked down. I pulled my hand away from my increasing problem. Sly little fuck of a hand made its way there without my noticing. It's learning. "Ahhhh, fuck!" I moaned as vigorous buzzing reverberated through my increasing problem. Fucking phone! I don't know whether to love it or hate it. Blindly, I answered.

"Jasper!" _Alice? _Shit, I fucking _hate_ this phone.

"Suck on my sparkles Alice." I shut the phone and put it back in my pocket, trying to avoid arousing my main man further. Problem was, I couldn't get the images of Doe-Eyes thighs out of my head. I'd kneed them like the fucking dough. Doe-eyes with dough thighs... oh yeah baby, that's the kind of cookie I want to help bake. She'd be the best fucking chocolate chip beauty around. I barely registered my phone buzzing in my pocket and adding to my arousal, choosing to just let it help me out- redeem itself if it will.

"Jasper." I jumped about five feet in the air in shock, my bakery fantasy snapping like a sugar cookie, searching around me for Alice. I most definately did not scream like a girl.

"Jasper! Down here!" I was startled again by her voice and found its location. How the hell did that call get accep- _holy shit!_ Did my dick just answer the phone? Well fuck me, my dicks learning too. Are my appendages getting fucking home tutored in defiance or something? Son of a bitch, next up it'll be playing the fucking guitar. Look ma, no hands! Jesus.

I growled and shouted down the phone. "Stop calling me, Alice!"

"You seemed to be enjoying it..." Her calling me had already pissed me off, but her fucking nail a la chalkboard giggle was fucking killing me. _How the fuck did I put up with that shit for so long? _Oh yeah, she had me fucking sussed at every turn the manipulative bitch. I'd not seen my nuts fucking once during those years. I swear, my boys are cringing back trying to get away. It's okay boys, I'm not giving you up again so easily. _Especially_ not to that Harpy. You can hang with me, leaving our towels on the floor and not giving a shit about clean underwear for eternity. Fashion trends can go to hell. We'll burn all the D&G we see, and maybe have a tiny fucking snack with those shitfaced dogs that shit in those literally crappy handbags. Sounds pretty fucking fun to me.

"Go eat human food." I don't know why I kept on fucking talking. I should have just fucking hung up right there.

She huffed and began to use her moany voice. May the devil spare me. "I'm calling for a reaso-"

"Cant you just fuck off?" _Jesus! _She's such a little fucking brat! Seriously, what was I thinking? I looked at the phone with a humorless chuckle at letting her manipulate me into a conversation with her.

"No, Jasper-" _Shit! _Bitch knows everything.

"Fuck a duck." She'd fit right in with her nosey fucking beak.

"- you can't kill her. Don't do it." _Fuck me. _Straight to the point then_. _Now I'm an angry mother-bitch.

"You lost the right to have any say in my life when you fucked that so-"

"Jasper, just pretend you don't hate me for a minute." Nah mate. She hasn't got a clue how much of a big ask that is. Its verging on bigger than her fucking forest of a beaver bush; its that fucking huge. I shudder at the memories. Too many memories... my cock will never feel the same. My poor abused bangers, reduced to instant mash...

"Yeah, and I'll also pretend that bleaching my cock after several years pollution in your pixie forest didn't sting and that it didn't smell like your fungal fanny weeks after." Hmm. That felt fairly satisfying.

"For fu-" _growl_ "- Just listen to me! Are you killing her because you want to, or because your scared she cant keep the secret?"

"Emmett's pocket pussy was better." This cow was fucking rich and my god was I milking the shit out of it for as long as possible. Milk it baby, fucking milk it.

"Stop it!" I grinned evilly at how I was agitating her. Maybe my dick knew what it was doing when it answered the phone. "She won't tell anyone." Back to this shit? Seriously, whether shes genuinely concerned or not, this has nothing to do with her. If I kill Bella, which I assume I will because of her fucking phone stalking, then I will. The bitch cant make choices for me anymore. Anyways, she's talking shit.

"Yeah right." I huffed. Cows gone dry... it was fun while it lasted.

"Seriously, she wont. I saw. Just trust me this one last time Jasper. You don't need to kill her." Trust? Fucking _trust_? I growled and said it to her straight.

"If I make any decision, its mine. I don't give a shit what you say." Level headed commander there. Good Jasper.

"Dont do it. Bye." She rushed, pleased with herself.

"Fuck you." I told her just before I ended the call. It was the most pleasant goodbye I could muster, really.

Now, with all that's been said being fucking useless to me, I need to fucking think. I looked around myself to try and gain some composure and reason. Alice obviously thinks I'm going to kill her. Should I just kill her in spite of Alice? I imagined the Doe-eyed girl dead at my feet. Well... _fuck_. There goes my boner. That's fucking _weird_. I found no pleasure in the idea of killing her. _Really_ fucking weird...

Where is she anyway? I sniffed the air and I started walking, following her tasty fucking scent, the ammonia not in one bit a turnoff. I felt really fucking bad about that. Again, _why_? I'm not a fucking retard, its obvious I care about her feelings, but the royal fucking question is _why_ do I give a shit? Why _her_, over all the people I've killed and fucked over to get what I want? As I walked I passed a store that was seriously minutes from closing time her trouser trouble came back to mine. I stood on the spot for a minute, contemplating what the fuck I was doing, but I ended up walking in and buying her the most comfortable looking jeans I could find, knowing her size from memory of her legs from when shed walked in on dinner. Holding the jeans in my hand with a creased brow, feeling nervous and really fucking confused about where the nerves were coming from, I stopped and got a big fucking shock.

"Holy Piss-pot." As I came around the corner I must say I was indeed shocked by the sight and emotions that hit me. Jesus, that old guy was seriously turned on. Doe-eyes was on her knees and to any passerby, that would look pretty fucking suggestive. What the hell is she doing? I listened in and heard the guy mention something about a 'Milkshake of Destiny' and she was jumping up and down like it was fucking Christmas come early. She was seriously excited. As she stuttered and thanked the man, he gave her the milkshake and I was hit with the strongest sense of happiness and content- it was fucking unreal how happy she was, really.

Hang on a tick. She'd covered '_Gropey Man' _with milkshake, _ran off_ for milkshake like a bat out of hell as if i was a meagre interruption on her quest. Now she was making an old guys day by giving him well encouraged _wood_ for a milkshake. _Damn_, that girl likes her milkshakes. I wondered what she'd do for one if she was really desperate... Hello again my eager monkey, but right now isn't the time for a spankin'. Seriously though, all that for a _milkshake_?

As I watched her walk away from the cart with an obvious bounce to her step I shook my head, and she seemed to finally notice my presence in her peripheral, her milkshake slipping from her fingers. Next thing I knew I'd flown across the street saving the milkshake like it was a baby carrier about to roll into heavy traffic. It was like fucking instinct or something. That milkshake made her so fucking happy, and I didn't want my presence to ruin her happiness.

"Woah. Skills." She whispered, making it finally dawn on me what I'd done. Shit, I'm a fuck-nugget. How do I explain this one? 'Yeah, hi, I'm that guy you watched murder that tub of flesh earlier? Well once I was done with disposing his body, I started fantasizing about you and my cock gained a new level of intelligence. Then I smelled you and your pissy pants and couldn't help but follow you and watch you sizzle up a man at least thirty years your senior. I was just analysing your emotions with my vampire gift when I saw you dropping that milkshake and used my powers of speed to save it like it fucking meant something, just to keep that bounce in your step. Any questions? Oh, you're welcome by the way.' I'm fucked. I tried to stare the suspicion out of her, trying to figure her out from her mixed emotions. "Thanks." She breathed. Wow, is that gratitude? I haven't felt that aimed at me for... well shit, I don't think I've _ever_ had someone feel grateful of something I'd ever done. Shit, if I could cry... I definitely wouldn't because I'm a manly man. Remember the plans of dirty underwear and towels? Yeah, manly man. Very manly man...

"No problem Ma'am." Woah... it just came out naturally. I didn't feel forced or anything. It felt right to say it. _Dude_... Oh look, she's blushing! That's really pretty. Oh, shes shaking too. We cant have that. I sent her some feelings of warmth and comfort and her shivering stopped. I felt really... I don't know... _nice _doing that.

"Why are you following me?" Oh, she's suspicious. I knew it couldn't last. Steer away from it Jasper, steer away! Hard Starboard! Close the bulkheads! Fuck the woman and children, save your ass!

"I ah... I bought you some jeans. I feel bad for what I did." Please don't push it. Please.

"Hush money huh?" She smiled with her quirked eyebrow, and I'd never seen anything so cute, her blush only just starting to fade. I felt my face lift into a smile. "I don't like gifts." Oh, we cant have that either.

"Then I just ran home and my sister said you can borrow them." I smiled again, happy with my excuse for giving her something. Like Rose would dare let me go to her house and steal her clothes. She didn't live far from me, but still, she'd set my curleys on fire.

She nodded and started walking again, a little hesitant but still happy... and _curious._ I couldn't help but stare and bathe in the feelings surrounding her. What a pleasant mix."You're not gunna walk me to my door are you?" What? What? I was walking with her? We've walked right out of sight of anyone else. Now is the time to kill her... isn't it? Should I kill her? Yes. Do I want to though...? I suddenly felt an electric bolt shoot through my forehead, quickly replaced by some seriously silky strokes. Bella was stroking my forehead? I felt my muscles ease as I stared into her eyes, and I realised she was smoothing out the crease in my forehead. How did she get the courage to do that? How is she not the least bit scared? She just sighed. I liked that sigh. I wanted more sighs. "Whats up?" She asked gently. Concern? For me? She should be concerned about herself.

"Nothing Ma'am. I'd very much like to accompany to your door. I promise your safety, though I've shown no reason for you to believe me as a trustworthy person." She barely knew me and what she did know didn't put me in the most complimentary of lights. Strange thing was... I wanted to make her like me. I wanted to walk her home. I wanted to walk her to her door, undress her in her bed and make cookies.

"Well I unno... being raped by you wouldn't be such a tragedy." My breathing shuddered- each breath only happening to fill myself with her emotions and scent. Did she just suggest that I take her without permission? Did she just incline that she'd like that? Sweet baby Jesus give me strength. That is the most appealing suggestion I've heard all the millennia! What do I say to that?

"Ah... so I see you've got a new milkshake." Very suave Jasper. Well done. Not.

"Yah!" Oh! Excitement and happiness again! Good move talking about her beloved milkshake then! "It's the Milkshake of Destiny. It's the only thing Mr Marsden had left. It took a blow job, but I got it." Ohhh stay down boy. Stay down. Of course I'm not imagining that sick perv getting any, but more myself. Oh, if only she could drink my milkshake. She just winked! What a vixen! She was shaving fun. There's nothing fun about that ancient sack of saggy bones getting lips from Doe-eyes. In-fact, I'm pretty pissed off just thinking about it. She'd put herself in harms way with that one.

"Yeah, he was certainly enjoying the idea of that. It appears Mr Marsden has a little crush on you. He wants to snaggle your puss." My humor got in there and I was shocked and horrified with myself for speaking to a lady that way. My parents would have thoroughly flogged me for even dreaming of saying that. "Sorry Ma'am."

"I'm not sorry and I'm not Ma'am." That is the exact opposite giggle from Alice. That's a pleasing giggle to hear. "I'm Bella. Can I have your name? I promise not to report you." Bella for beautiful... figures. Wait, what?

"Really? I mean, you'll tell no one?" She's got to be joking. She looks level headed and intelligent. She couldn't just ignore what I did could she? Oh but I hope.

"Who've I got to tell. Everyone thinks I'm crazy anyway. Even if I did, nobody would take me seriously." I pondered her words the rest of the walk to her house, wondering if I should just kill her already or if I should just leave forever and never return. In no time at all we were at her doorstep. Oh God! What do I do? To live or not to live? I felt the silk of her warm hands brush against the back of mine. Accident or not, I liked it. I really liked it. I cant kill something I like can I? I mean, I'm essentially a selfish creature.

"Hey, no killing me in my sleep okay?" She joked and I her emotions pierced me. Sorrow and fear. She didn't want to die... and she wont. That's is, decision made. Bella Swan does not die tonight. If the Volturi find out I'll have no choice but to kill her, but until that happens, I'm not doing it! "Please." Shes crying. I caused those tears. I was right, shes terrified of me.

I felt her fear and pain as my own as I wiped a tear from her face, cautious that my over-intelligent hands don't snap her neck without me wanting them to. "I don't want to have to do that." I told her and I felt her. She found that as the final nail in her coffin. I can't lie to her. I can't tell her I wont kill her, but I cant tell her I will. The chances are I probably will... I don't know what to do. Seeing and feeling her emotions I'd never wanted to hug and reassure someone so much. I'd never wanted to kiss anyones pain away so much.

I was so close to just giving up and kissing her, but she took a deep breath and calmed her own emotions. Her control over her emotions is unbelievable, it's like she muted it or pushed it aside, replacing it with another feeling. I couldn't stop looking at her, wanting to say sorry and not wanting to leave. "Okay... then... bye..." She said softly and I decided to give her one thing that she'd asked for if not the promise for her life.

"My name's Jasper Whitlock. It's been a pleasure to meet you Bella." I ran the millisecond her eyes closed and only stopped when I got to the dumpster with the burning dinner in it. Sobs tried to make their way through me, but I pushed them down. These feelings weren't from her; they are my own. I feel worse than I ever did after what Alice had done to our family. God, why the fuck do I feel like crying? It's like I've just lost the love of my life.

I froze. _No... _I thought about everything Alice had said to me, about everything I felt from her and to her each second I'd been near her. It was obvious I found her physically and mentally attractive. I... no, I couldn't. Would that be why Alice didn't want me to kill her? Would Bella become the love of my existence if she lives? I don't... I don't know what to think or do. The only thing I knew was to go back to her as fast as I could. My lungs hated not having Bella filling me.

I ran the route back to her house and stood outside the door. I don't know how much time passed when I finally lifted my hand, ready to knock, but her barely audible mumbling voice caught my attention.

"Ja..." I perched on a tree, looking in through the window, seeing her tangled in her sheet, her cowboy boots sitting on the end as if watching over her.

"Ja.." I leaned in as close to her window as I could get. _Say it Bella._

"Jason Deruloooo." _What? _I could have sworn she was going to say m- "Oh Jasper..." -never mind. I watched her as she _hmmm'_d and _ohhhh_'d every now and again, her movements and noises hypnotising me. Right now, in this moment, I believed there was hope for me finding someone that might actually be worth everything I'd ever been through. I thought about the sleeping Bella and the moment I found out about Alice's betrayal within my once called family. In comparison, each second of that night was well worth this one moment of tranquility, watching my Doe-eyed Bella sleep colourful dreams.

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**Who likes this deep down polite/rude Jasper? I FREAKIN' DO! TEAM JASPER! Review what you thought about my Jasper!**


	3. Dreams, Reality And The Gutter

**Soooooooo two new charactors today! I hopes chew like themmmm! Thanking all reviewers graciously for their kind, kind words. For such words, you shall be rewarded with Jaspers eternal love... and a BDSM session. :L GOOD TIMES!**

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Dreams, Reality And The Gutter

Bella P.O.V

_(one week later)_

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"So Imma say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu! Baby, what if? We all can say duuuduuu duuuduuu duuudu duuudu! Baby, what if?" I was at a Jason Derulo concert, looking remarkably like Lady Gaga in her bubble suit, bad romance eyes and all. During my wild rocking out I spotted my arch nemesis. Christina Aguelera.

I strutted over to her whilst Jason carried on with the lyrics that continued to echo through my head. Christina was dressed just like Gaga in her red lace body suit that looked remarkably like Tom Hanks' kickable best friend in castaway. With a glare I did my eye-circle move. "What's this I see here?"

In true copy-cat form the bitch copied my move. "What's this I see here?"

I sneered, showing her my teeth as she did the same. Seriously, bitch needs to get her own style! "I see a Twat-teena Agitator, copy-cat extraordinaire."

She pushed my shoulder with her hand and the impact sent a flash of a moving image. I shook it off. "What if?" She spoke in monotone.

I shook my head, trying to get the song out of it and the ringing from the image. "Bitch, make some sense. What if_ what_?"

"What if?" I jumped out of my fucking gaga skin as every single person in my dream turned to me like I was gravity or something, the song still going. When I mean out of my skin, I fucking mean it. I was back to Bella again, the Gaga costume a floppy pile of used skin-suit on the floor like I was a fucking Slitheen off Doctor Who. I spun around in panic, looking at everyone and feeling weighed down. The image flashed across my eyes again and everything went dark.

_"What if? What if I'm the one for you? And you're the one for me? What if..." _I groaned as I felt an intense pain in my head and suddenly found myself hugging my tummy in a cave, my head overwhelmed with nauseousness. The cave was dark and behind the echoing music I could hear water dripping down its cracks and puddling, building with frequency.

A source of light caught my attention as behind me an ancient film projector started up. I walked towards it as it showed first a white and shaky square on the cave wall and then the image that had flashed across my mind earlier. The image was looping, and I'd guess there were about three seconds of movement. It was of a soldier getting his Polaroid taken, looking head on and youthful. I caught blond hair, brass buttons and blurred features.

Walking forward my fingers itched to touch the face and did so without permission. The moment my hand touched the image playing against the wall I was hit with what felt like a lightening bolt, the brilliant orange of the mans eyes filling my vision.

#########

I shot upright out of my bed, gasping and coughing, tripping over my tangled and sweaty sheets as I belted for the bathroom, cradling my throbbing head feeling like it had just been kicked by a horse with a fucking piss-poor attitude. My shaky hands braced my trembling body against the basin weakly as I coughed and my head throbbed. With a desperate gasp for breath I tugged open the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and shook out some pills into the basin. You'd think I'd made a mistake there, the whole lot saying bye-byes and fizzling off to swim with some fishes, but the plug was already in. I was anticipating this. I'm always anticipating this.

"Fuck." I groaned as I looked down into the sink. That's more blood than last time. I picked up a pill that was unblemished by the splatters of blood and swallowed it, cupping some water in my hand and drinking. Once that was done I pulled the plug and let the tap continue running to clean up my bloody mess. He said the pills would help. Guess the fucker was wrong. _Yet again._

This was the third time this month that I'd had this little episode. It was one more than usual already. Not a good fucking sign I tell you.

I wiped my mouth as I left the bedroom to go the the kitchen and retrieve the phone. Dr. FuckHottums wanted me to call him every time this happened like him being alerted would fucking stop it. Dr FuckHottums has been my doctor since age seven when all this shit started, and I'm not ashamed to admit I have a big crush on the guy. That wasn't his real name, but my lord did he deserve it. He was good on the eyes and was very generous when it came to the pills. I'm not talking a game of fuck-the-doc for a bag of unperscribed epinephrine, but I can tell he cares about my condition more than any of the other doctors and most of the people. The docs would gush about the mystery which was my conditions and the people would sob like ti was fucking them. Yeah, they'd shoot me down with pity for me, but Dr. Fuckhottums was different. It wasn't just pity with him. The fucker was a nice bloke and if I were the sort of person to do that shit, I'd put him in my will for sure.

An image of the mysterious Mr Whitlock drifted through my mind and I sighed from the blurry image of his perfect face that my mind replayed from that night that seemed so long ago. A week without that brilliant bod? Seven whole days without seeing his orange eyes making the brain sex with me again? That is too much to fucking ask of me, I am seriously dying over here. I may have been scared for my life at the time, but when I'd woken the next day I'd never been so damned horny in all my life, and that is fucking saying something. Needless to say I'd commenced with using Mr. Whippy immediately. I should have raped him when I had the chance.

A sharp pain in my head brought me back to the present. What was I supposed to be doing? Dr. Fuckhottums! I suddenly started comparing the two sexiest men in my life, pretending that Jasper was actually still in my life. I can fucking dream okay? Oh the fantasies I could have with a Dr. Whitlock. 'Paging Dr. Whitlock. A particularly feisty and dirty patient is requiring your services in one of the private rooms. Shes been waiting for her physical for a week now and has become somewhat rabid and wild. Restraints may be in order, along with a sensual sponge bath. She will require multiple injections from your cold, hard as steel needle.' If I really though about it, Jasper deserved the Fuckhottums title more than my actual doctor with the way he looked. He was beyond all things generous. I suddenly pictured him in a white doctors coat, crisp baby blue button down shirt and tie with an all to easily undoable belt. Oh hello ladies, I'm saving that one for the wank bank. I'd have to come up with a name for him soon too... Jazzy? Jazzy Spazzy? He did act strange when we met after all... Oh! Jazzy Wazz! because I peed! Wait no, that's gross... oh well, time will reveal the right name.

Anyways, Fuckhottums was great for getting me the pills I actually needed and treated me like more than a clip-board needing a diagnosis. Everyone thinks that if I take pills and balance my diet out and turned buddist and fucking meditate 6 times a day and this and fucking that... They dont get it like I do. My life is just going the way it wants to go. I dont need a specialist from Tiwan to tell me something is wrong and that I'm not doing myself any favors. I'm fine right now.

Still... the perhaps placebo like effect, just the taste of the crumbling pill on my tongue, makes it fell all better; pushes it back down and hidden, where it belongs. My Doc has a lot of admirers and its no secret why, other than his good looks. Hell, who doesn't want a piece of the prescription pie? I could get double what I needed if I pushed it. He's a pimp and he doesn't even know it. Sighing, I picked up the phone in the kitchen and dialled his private office number.

"Dr. Stanley. Can I help you?" My eyes bugged at the familiar name. Oh _hells_ no, it cant be. "Hello?" She called out again. What the fuck do I do? _What the fuck do I do?_

"Hello mi-deary. Can I talk tew mista Fakhawtums." She'd never know it was me with the English wench accent. I'd gotten that shit down. Call me miss fucking daisy and drive!

"Bella?" Well why don't you just go and fuck my life some more Jesus. "Bella Swan?" Deny it? Oh what the hell, its not like she can see me.

"Yeah Jess, tis moi. Wheres Dr. Fu-" Before I could get his name out she started squealing, like the kind that makes you think '_oh my god what are you doing to that poor piglet?' _kind of squealing. It was genuinely unnerving and actually made my heart spike in fear for the little thing.

"Oh my god Bella! You're still alive?" I huffed at her confusion and unbottled excitement. Blunt or_ what_? I knew that Jessica had no filter, but that didn't stop me from wanting to piss down the phone in the hopes it would splash her in the face. From high-school it was pretty obvious she was into that shit though, so instead of offending her I'd probably land a date. _Score? Nah_.

"Yeah and I don't plan on going anywhere yet." I tried to sound offended, but I was more annoyed that somebody let her near the phone, an innocent piglet and a machete. I could still hear the demonic squeals. _Jesus_, what did I interrupt? A Satanic ritual? Would Jesus even know if that was going on? I guess it would go directly to the spicy oven ruler.

"Oh that's good!" She gushed in relief. Oh what now, did she want a virgin to slaughter? I'm not available for that. Anyways, she's a _bit_ late. "I mean I have you down for Christmas day. You know, a tragically poetic setting." All of my inner musings stopped and silenced to the point that even the tumbleweed was keeping its distance, frightened to disturb in-case it caught fire in my explosive rage.

"Bitch say what?" I asked her dangerously calm. Oh yeah, the hellcats been _released!_

"Did you j-" I didn't let her finish. I guess I did shock her a bit since I was such a depressive and antisocial teen. I barely even knew those words back then, let alone use them in my hatefire. Times-a-changed and so is her sex, because I'm about to surgically maim her over the phone. She wont even be a he, she'll be a _thing_, and the world shall be right once more.

"Listen, Pussica-" I used her old nickname and could literally see her face fall. She fucking hated that name since it was given to her, but it was well deserved. Bitch made it no secret she batted for the other team, but that's not it. Oh no, _there's more. _Since Newton told her she was a nice piece of arse that the guys would be missing she decided to rent herself out. Her reasoning to me was '_I'm not one to be selfish_. _This pussy's got enough room for everyone_.' And therest be the birth of the infamous, yeast infected, Pussica.

Bring on the claws."-I dont know what kind of fucking hard-core drug substance you have been taking, but its obviously made you an even _dumber_ shit than the last time I saw your acid pelted face, living your _turdy, bog-water _existance opening your hairy hatch to every cold hobo on the street for nothing more than sharing the love and spreading the tornado of collective diseases. Go back to the street, or better yet, go back to _school! _How was graduating for you by the way? And how is your new job? Passed the one hundred mark on persuasive cock sucks yet? Dear God! I hope my doctor knew better, because if he wasn't he's about to find himself amongst one heck of an outbreak, of which the CDC will find themselves highly concerned with. Maybe they'll finally hunt you down and sterilise you or maim your ungraceful lady bits. _Heaven fucking forbid _you have a child. The Adams family will look like the fucking Joneses with their pancakes and enough fucking sugar to lend to the whole street with a smile and daisy chains in comparison to the monstrosity your mutated gene pool would produce. Now listen the fuck up for once in your pathetic life, because I'd very much appreciate you telling _every single fucker _who bet on when I die this little message. I don't plan on kicking that bucket any fucking time soon, so get a fucking life, stop gambling on mine and get me my Fuckhottums doctor before I release some scary fucking footage to all your newly infected colleagues, _you hear me?" _Oh how righteous a day. I think I can hear the collective applause from Pussica sufferers. I only hope I have done everyone justice.

I heard her sobs and the phone rustling about like it was being moved. A faint 'ow' rang through the distance and the rustling abruptly stopped. "Hello?" Oh thank fuck, a voice of reason!

"Dr. Fuckhottums! Nice to_ finally _get through to you." I said with a smile, filled with the joy knocking Pussica off of her mangy horses hath filled within me.

"Bella? Why did my new intern throw the phone at my face looking like she just witnessed a murder?" He queried confused.

"I don't know. P'raps because she just realised the skeletons in her closet are reanimating? First a more pressing matter though I think. Why don't my pills work?" So much for joy.

He sighed and I knew I was about to get the Doctor ramble. "Bella you have to give them time to work and you have to take them regularly." I facepalmed. "Have you been taking them regularly?"

"Define regularly." I asked with a chuckle, rubbing my forhead at the returning headache.

He sighed again. "Taking them after an episode doesn't help. All it does is build up the immunity to the drug ten times faster than it would than if you took it regularly."

I knew that. Deep down I knew that, and I knew that I would remember to take my pills... if I tried. "Its not my fault I forget. I have a lot on my mind."

"Bella-" Here comes the Doctor I know and love. For the first few minutes of a call, sure, he's all textbook medical guy, but with each second that goes on his worry about me seeps out until I finally get the guy behind the coat. The only reason I still call him after my episodes is for this glimpse of Callum Adams."-what do I have to do to get you to take this all seriously?"

My brow furrowed as I gritted my teeth and spoke with a harsh edge to him. "I took it seriously when I hit ten and aged fifty years in the process. I don't want to kill myself off quicker."

"I'm sorry Bella. I don't know what it's like to be in your situation right now. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you yet. I cant imagine what it is to be you." I sighed, both knowing and hoping that he never would. It wasn't all bad really. I mean, I'm pretty awesome if I may say so myself.

"To be what? Fuck-awesome in every field?" I heard him choking on his laughter almost immediately.

"Ech-hem. _Every_ field?" Son of a bitch! He's getting a spank. So is Jasper. And then I'm getting a spank. Both of them will spank me and I will spank them in return. Oh sweet, _sweet_ imagery. Wait, I was spanking my doctor for another reason. Oh yeah, he's mocking my inability to stay out of the hospital for longer than a month. I gotta admit I have one heck of a clumsy track record, but still, that adds to my awesome. I'm so awesome, gravity is jealous enough to try and stop it. Sorry Grav, its in the blood.

"Bitch! Paint the shit I've been painting for a living then if you are up to my platinum standard. You'd be fucking rich." There we go, and a win to Ms. AWESwan.

"So the visions..?" His tone immediately saddened. I hand't mentioned those in a while.

"Still thick and fast. They're gaining on me." I laughed humorlessly. "I had another one last night. This time I was at a concert and then boom, I was back in the cave. Everyone was saying 'what if'." I tried not to sound to serious with the way he took things. He likes to try and 'psyche eval.' on me.

"It keeps taking you back to that cave. Your condition will show repetition within your dreams and will effect your everyday life if you don't take you prescription regularly." I waited during his pause for the glimpse of Adam. "What happened this time then?"

"Same old three second clip. Nothing of importance really." It must fucking be if I saw it. Everything I see I paint because it means something. The images tell storys and though they have no distinguishable features, I can play about and still learn some things from _whateverthafuk_ is giving me the visions. They could very well be delusions connected to my thingy, but it all appears like too much of a memory. Doc knows this.

"Am I ever going to see those paintings of yours?" I'd documented each dream like this by painting what I saw, but other than me no other soul had seen them. It was like a side-job to my regular bar work.

I decided to snap up the inappropriate opportunity to make a sex deal with my Doc. "Am I ever going to get in your sizzling tighty-whiteys?" Maybe he'll let Jasper watch... or join in... or Jasper could star while Fuckhottums watched... or Jasper and I could make a randy dandy video for Fuckhottums to watch at a later date... we could all watch ti together, and decide to reenact

"Alright then, lets talk about soemthing else. Did the reaction in the morning seem progressed from your last episode?" I sighed, rubbing my forhead in exasperation. Damn the Doctor in him, just damn him.

"There was more blood. Like a bit more than the average splatter. I'd put it at about two tablespoons." Don't ask me how I know what two tablespoons of blood looks like.

"Would you hurt me if I asked you for another urine sample." There was slight hesitation in his request, and rightfully so. I'd thoroughly had enough of pissing in pots!

"How much more piss do you want? You've already got the equivilant of niagra falls on a rainy day! Cant you just use the same cup again? I mean what the fuck do you do with it afterwards? _Fertilize soil?_ I love third world countries and the fly-eyed starving babies as much as any other person, but they can start using someone else's wee-wee fertiliser for their taters thank you very much! I haven't even seen one fucking penny of the profits so this was a long time coming." I finished my rant with a scrunched brow, genuinely annoyed. My piss in a pot wont help anything. Maybe Fuckhottums has a fetish or something. It only takes a simple question an he may have his wishes fulfilled. I'm up for anything, but I draw the line at 2 girls 1 cup. That shit is vile. _Literally._

He chuckled on the other end. "Only you would want profits from giving African babies food and a livelihood."

"Pshh." I started fiddling with strings to my pyjama pants, sorely tempted to pull it out again. What the fuck is tha- oh nice, I have blood splatters on my jammys. I might as-well sleep in the fucking nod with all the clothes I'm blemishing.

"Is next wednesday fine?" Without missing a beat I responded, albeit acerbically.

"Is cats-piss fine?" Gritting my teeth I decided to pull out the strings anyway since I was gunna chuck it.

"See you then Bella." He said warmly, making me smile slightly at his genuinely caring tone, ripping off my trousers, leaving me in my undies. I'm in my undies on the phone with my sexy doctor. Why didn't I do this sooner?

"Yeah, bye." I sighed, putting the phone down, only to shit myself as it rang again, picking it up again, and not necessarily in that order considering who was on the other end.

"WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?" Seth screamed down the phone.

"Motherfucker! I definitely need to get rid of these panties now." I groaned at the screaming bitch that was most probably dancing_ 'a la nads _in his kitchen, fixing up breakfast for whatever straight guy he managed to bat for his team last night. That man would typically be considered a whore from everything he does, but I know he's looking to settle down. He goes overboard in the mornings, testing his recent conquests for 'keepers quality'. Even _I _know that its not wise to show your new guy the secret hairy mole growing a mole on the first date.

"PASSWORD SWAN!" Fucking _Hell _boy!

"Jesus_-fuck _Seth! Calm the fuck down!" I growled at him. Jesus, what the fucked happened to make him so exuberant in the morning?

"You haven't said the password! Impostor!" I lied, he _is _a whore.

"You called me!" Seriously, this fucker is weirder than me. He's where I got a nice chunk of my insanity from.

"They let a clone in your house! She ate you up didn't she? BELLA-" I pulled those phone from my ear, wincing as my headache gave another stab, but I could still hear him. "-CAN YOU HEAR ME? KEEP BREATHING, IMMA GET YOU OUT!"

"If that was the case, you're deep within the shoddy city sewers right now! You wouldn't be able to climb out of the gutter fast enough before she suffocated. She tasted omnomnom. Now excuse me while I go do her shitty job for her for my first day in this dismal looking world, though my eyes see only optimism from my mere existence. Look at that wondrous cup, so full of possibilities."

"Password." I giggled at his dangerously mellow voice. It may work on everyone else and be a helpful little addition to the bedroom, but every time I just imagined little Seth Clearwater at his twelfth birthday party where that voice made its first appearance. I swear, in that moment where he blew out his birthday candles you could hear his balls drop with an audible thud. Mummah Clearwater shouldn't have made him a Deceptacon cake. Little Seth felt angered and betrayed having that monstrosity defiling his cake.

I reigned in my litle chuckles and started with the lengthly password to put my paranoid homohun to rest. "Woah, my sex is on fire, on a pyre, oh look, a BDSM flier, with Sister Mariah, wanna try her?"

He huffed and shouted again. "Its DELILAH!" I groaned and cradled my head as an intense bolt of pain shot through it.

"Shout one more time I come over there and singe your curlys." My dangerously calm voice, however, was exceptionally effective as he responded in nothing above a whisper.

"... but it _is _Delilah, we changed it, remember?" Fuck my head hurts.

"Mariah, Delilah, either way, you can trust it's me now." Seth had spent all of his school life at a religious school for boys, nuns and holy men shitting on the gay community wherever they could find space in their overwhelming _'sinner!' _heckling schedules. They didn't think to look on their own doorsteps quick enough to save five of the boys losing their bumginity to Sinful Seth. They only found out because two of the boys got in a bitch fight over him, making heavy with the claims of love and commitment. Whilst a Sinful Seth sat between the bitching boys gingerly, unable to help his inner pride at being wanted, the priests were far too occupied to look even _closer. _I still don't know if Sisters Mariah and Delilah were ever discovered or if they are still flicking the flaps on the lab table. If so, they've been at it far too long now to call it 'experimenting'. Get it? Lab tables and experimenting? I made a funny.

"Okay this is getting to weird for me now. I'm imagining both sisters at it down the BDSM down the street." Oh, did I mention how Seth and I know of the Naughty Nuns? Well, he happens to live in a not-so stepford part of town. I call it the 'gutter' personally, but that's besides the point. Two turns and a whip-crack from his mangy apartment is a lowly advertised BDSM club. No fliers, no adverts; nothing. I just happened to have walked in on the wrong night. I may or may not have whipped out my phone at my findings before I was chased off. To say Seth was shocked when he recognised the stars of the evening is an almighty understatement. Poor boy will never look at a cross the same way again, God bless his gay soul. My phone soon found itself melting in a torched bin outside as we clung to one another, shaking from the revelation that they very well may have blessed some public tables in his school. Whoever said a religious school was safe and free from sin... well I guess the modern day church has changed. The possibilities of the priest pairings!

"Oh sweet baby jesus." I felt immediately sick again.

"Damn you Bella, the imagery!"Though the phone was long dead, the club remains, along with our memories. My sweet, gentle brain, so brutally raped by the kinky messengers of God.

"Okay, so what the fuck are you calling me for?" I huffed as I launched my jammy bottoms in the bin and rubbed my now grumbling tummy.

His bellowing laugh drowns out my stomachs cries. "Is that Belly's belly I can hear a-grumblin'? I wanted to invite you over for a gourmet breakfast!"

"So I guess whoever it was last night ran screaming?" Wow, he didn't even stay for the shameful breakfast. That loses him points.

I could hear him sigh on the other end. "Yeah. I really thought that one had potential. Gave head like no tomorrow." Poor little sausage.

"Well was he at least available?" Unavailable men for some reason ignited a spark in Sinful Seth. He is far too possessive, like a dog with his bone.

"Stop talking to me over the phone. People could overhear things! Just get down here. I have some clothes for you too." He added nonchalantly as I heard something starting to sizzle away. _Unggggff fooooood. _Wait, clothes?

"Clothes? What the fuck, was this guy a designer?"

"Married businessman-" Fucking knew it. "-but that's beside the point! Get a move on before I piss on your pancakes!"

"Ooooh there are pancakes?" Looking better...

"And Milkshakes!" Fucking Jackpot! Cue tummy cheers.

"Fuck, I'm there!" I dropped the phone excitedly, running to my bedroom to take off my panties and put on some baggy joggers, deciding to go it commando. It's not like anyone would by ripping the trousers off of me on a damp day like this. A bad point of living in Seattle is the weather. Nothing kills a boner more than pelting rain late at night. I learned to accept a car ride graciously other than making a date walk me home the hard way. Or the soft way. Either way, I went to bed cold and wet, in all senses, no-matter my naked persuasions.

Ten minutes later I pulled up to the front of gutter central, jumped out of the beat up Impala without a fear in the world of my mutated baby being stolen, and buzzed for Seth. His muffled voice sang through the mangy speakers. "If you aren't a sexy beast, you cant come in."

"I'm queen of the sexy, now let me up so I can show you!" I begged, jumping from one foot to another, thinking only 'milkshakemilkshakemilkshake' as one continuous word. The second the buzz sounded I was running like a track star up his stairs to the second floor where the door was left open for me. I ran in and jumped on his back as he tossed stuff around on a skillet.

He cried out at the impact and shock, but quickly recovered as I kissed the back of his neck in thanks. "Ew, Sister, no thanks. Wrong tree." He reached forward and handed me a banana milkshake and I squealed, releasing my Koala in a particularly nice tree hold to grab it and commence with the suckage. His horrified stare turned into one of arousal and sorrow.

"Why, oh why, are you a female? Are you sure you are? Can I check?" I ran away, still sucking on the straw as he tried to take it from me. "Bitch, give it a rest you need to breathe!" Once he got a grip I stood completely still and stopped my momentum, knowing it could end badly if I pull against him.

He gave it a tug. "Jesus, it's vice tight! Damn girl, if there was one to turn me, it'd be you." I stopped to take a breath and respond, forcing my body to stop humming with the icy banana pleasure spreading through me.

"These lips are only for the straight and the milkshakes." Commence suckage once again.

"Okay, just remember to breathe." He chuckled, walking away to his bedroom when I suddenly realised what he was wearing. _Absolutely nothing_. I choked on my milkshake and coughed what felt like a curdling milk ball, squinting my eyes.

"_Angels above _Seth!" -cough- "I don't want to see that first thing in the morning! The wood of temptation on a gay guy does _not_ do it for me." I put my hands in-front of my eyes acting mortified.

He turned and wiggled his thighs, adding Jazz hands for effect. I sucked it up -I mean my own balls, not his- and pretended to like what I saw, giving him an appreciative look after peeking through my fingers. To be honest, he had a lower grade monster peen, but a monster peen nonetheless. I giggled as he started pouting and posing, trying to make a tripod. "One of these days I'm probably going to experiment with you, ya know that?" He informed me seriously, getting closer.

I sighed in mock happiness and gave him my puppy eyes, coming to his chest and looking up at him like I just struck gold. "Can today be the day? I went commando just for the occasion." I breathed heavily.

His booming laughter rang through my ears and I swatted him away as he jogged back to his room with a rhythmic slapping of flaccid skin. "Haha, you're so funny. Maybe you could wear this!" A sudden force winded me and I realised he had thrown something at me. I looked at it incredulously, and when he returned with a grin, fully clothed, I couldn't hold back my squeal of excitement. _Military gear! _I ripped off my top and bra in a flash, throwing them to the floor to make room for the clothes he'd thrown at me when I heard a shriek of horror.

"Oh God! I changed my mind, please, I don't want to see that!" Seth cried, but I just chuckled, trying to turn the top the right way round since it had somehow gotten inside out.

"I hope this is a full set my boy!" I grinned at him expectantly in my rush and he moved one of the hands covering his eyes by pointing to the door.

"Go downstairs! There should be some shoes sitting outside my mailbox." I was hit with a wave of nausea and grimaced openly, my hands releasing the fabric.

"You left them downstairs? In the gutter, out in the open!" Is he fucking retarded? Was a cinderblock dropped on his head as a baby?

He immediately looked sickened, realising his mistake. "Oh right. _Fuck, _go get them!" He pushed me to the door and I happily went, running downstairs. Once I'd made it half way down one flight, Seth ran hot on my tail. For some unknown reason he was trying to get me to stop. _Stop? _I don't fucking think so! I was in mission mode.

"Bella, fucking stop!" He shouted from behind me, unable to keep up. I was a fast fucker.

"No time to stop! _Must. Save. Shoes!_" I jumped the last step, but my momentum kept me going. I was a second from crashing into the wall, and instinct told me to use the wall and momentum to change my direction. One foot after another I ran across the wall and bedding around the corner, stumbling to my feet with a huff, reaching for the box sitting right next to the door in relief.

Hugging the box, I looked up and saw Seth frozen three steps up from ground level. "Shit, that was like something off of the fucking Matrix!" Seths bellowed in shock and surprise. I just shrugged as his eyes shot down to my chest. I looked at him confused, ready to call him out for not being gay at all, when I looked down myself.

"_Holy shit!" _I covered my exposed breasts with both arms, backing up against the wall and looking around for any suspicious characters who might be ogling me, other than my supposedly Gay friend. How the fuck hadn't I noticed I wasn't wearing anything other than my joggers? A creaking sounded from behind Seth and I started to run for the stairs, but shrieked and stopped when a sketchy looking man walked down them. He hadn't noticed me up until the point of my screeching, and his head lifted to seek out the source of the noise.

The second his eyes met mine I was being pulled backwards and thrown out of the door forcefully and I screeched in pain as I fell on my arse. Shaking my head, I looked up and saw the door to Seths apartment block, firmly slammed in my face.

To my right I heard a car honk and people starting to notice me on the street. My arm shot back up to cover my breasts, but it was far too late. I quickly tried to scramble to my feet, but it was exceedingly awkward. Oh fucking great! My joggers fabric on my leg was stuck in the door. Don't panic Bella. Don't panic!

After a bit of maneuvering I was up, using my free arm to bash on the door for Seths attention. "_What the fuck Seth?_" I screamed, causing him to turn around, looking through the grubby glass of the door with wide eyes, mumbling 'shit, shit, shit' through the door.

Calm Bella, be fucking calm! The door will be open in a matter of seconds and you can run to Seths room, beat the shit out of him after getting his milkshake recipe, and get drunk on milk.

"Uh oh." My calm just jumped off the empire state building, splatting into a bloody mess on the gutter ground.

"Uh oh? _Uh oh? _Open the fucking door!" I screeched, banging on it harder, still trying to free my trouser leg from the door.

He fumbled and panicked, and the second I saw his frantic stare I knew he wasn't kidding. "I can't! Shit, Bella it wont budge!"

"Don't be so fucking ridiculous! Break the fucking thing down! Let me in! Someone could try to rape me!" I screamed at him in anger, beating on the door with all my might whilst Seth did the same on the other side, making it quite counter-productive.

"My, does it look like a cold night tonight!" I heard a sickly pubescent voice from my right, making my skin crawl. I spun towards him with my mother of all glares, ready to kill.

"Back the fuck off before I blend your nads and make you fucking watch!" I screamed at the group of rebellious teens, releasing all my fury and aggression. They looked at me wide eyed and backed away from me like I was crazy, fear clear in their eyes as I rushed towards them, ready to spring. Okay, so perhaps I wasn't about 'ready to spring' without showing them the ladies, but they got the idea that I was a bitch not to be reckoned with pretty fucking quick.

The distinct tearing noise made me freeze my steps as the boys ran away. With wide eyes and fear stabbing my heart, I looked down and saw the weak and tattered fabric of what was my joggers on the grimy ground. Closing my eyes, the first of my tears escaping, I covered my cooch with my other hand from the prying and overly interested eyes on the street. Rushing to the hood of the nearest car I sat down, ignoring the sting of the cold and wet from previous drizzle, too filled with the shame and mortification of what was happening.

This can't be happening. This cannot physically be happening. Haven't I had enough shit in my life? What did I do to deserve this? I looked across the street and saw a half naked man on his knees, a dog collar around his neck, covered in grime and scrapes, led by a leather clad Mistress, no doubt on their way to the BDSM club. What chocked me most was that the collared man dared to look up, cast me a glance, and fucking grimace at me. The rancid, fat, hairy submissive, eagerly treated as the lowest form of pet on earth by choice, looked up from the ground, disobeying his orders, just to look at me in disgust. The shame and worthlessness hit me with a blinding impact that I couldn't bare to look at him, let alone his owner. Ready to just about die from the emotions filling me, out of nowhere, I heard the most angelic voice; a voice I had heard once before in a dark alleyway only a week ago.

"Ma'am?" My eyes shot open seeing the face of the man I'd never though I'd see again, let alone in the gutters of Seattle. I'd never prayed in both thanks and fear of my death so religiously in my life.

* * *

**I like doing evil things to Bella. Je ne regrette rien. JASPER LOVES ME ANYWAYS! xxx**

**you do do the review foo'!**

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	4. Authors Note

Hello everyone. Let me just get this out now.

DO NOT READ ANY OF MY STORIES.

Lately I have been into reading more than writing, so I haven't updated anything. I haven't wanted to. I still don't feel that overwhelming urge, but right now I know that at some point in the future I will be pulling everything, one by one, and rehashing them. I'm doing this because it's been two years in most cases. TWO. YEARS. That is a lot of time to refine my writing style; to change and update my structure and vocabulary. I'm in my second year of English Literature and Language at college, so obviously some techniques have become second nature to me.

So I beg of you, please remain patient. My creative mind is already back in drive. I've recently thought about two new stories, but I have learned from the past and will not submit them until I've sorted out what I already have.

I plan on adding this as a new chapter to every one of my stories so those on story alert know, so if you have multiple emails you only need to read the one.

Again, I'm sorry, but be patient. I promise it will be worth it. I'll probably start the process in two weeks once my Photography and Art Deadlines are out of the way.


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